I beat myself up for being reluctant to write as much as I'd like. Especially when it's going to be as public as this is, I think I'm afraid readers will think I'm naive or self-centered, because that's how my writing may portray me. Also, I'm not sure if I'm ready to let the public know what my life is really like, from my thoughts throughout the day to the shit I am constantly dealing with. My intentions with starting to blog again were so I could explore these thoughts and learn how to focus my mind and expand them in detail. I want my writing to be raw. Since starting this up again, I find myself constantly wanting to write. An equal amount of my time is also spent feeling guilty for avoiding writing, or putting it off for one reason or another. I lost the focus of this exercise.

I grew up in a Filipino home, and the values and ideals that came along with that attribute to why I'm so timid about my writing. As a Filipino woman, I'm expected to meet certain expectations. I'm expected to act, dress, and think a certain way. Otherwise, I am a disgrace. Unfortunately, I make a living faking the funk, so playing a part in my parents' puppet show is not a problem. Although, here is where it puts me in a dilemma. I am nothing like what they want me to be, and the only way I can express what I really am, is this. Part of me wants my story told, my perspective to be seen, and maybe even my side understood. I go back and forth in my mind, thinking "Fuck it, it's my blog." and knowing that things that I may disclose will change the way people look at me.

I don't know when I'll be ready. But I'm hoping this helps, with my writing and becoming more accepting of myself.