Morning reflections

I'm not quite sure what constitutes a sane human being anymore. I used to think I was sane, then I realized all the weird shit I do. I used to justify it with things like "Well, I'm about to be on my period" or "I'm a woman, and that's what women do". So would it be safe to say that all women as a whole are insane? Meh, probably not.

I don't know what justifies my actions or my thoughts. I didn't ever think my past would haunt my emotions this much. I've suppressed these memories for so long, I'm still in denial that they're the reasons why I act out the way I do now. I live by the idea that my mind is the one thing that I have complete control over. I can strengthen it as much as I want, with it I can control my emotions, which probably explains why I don't have very many, I can make truths out of lies and I can forget the truths that I don't want to remember. I believe everyone can do this. As I've gotten older though, I've noticed that I can't stop myself from feeling or thinking certain things, no matter how much I rationalize it. I know and can whole heartedly say that my boyfriend isn't and would never cheat on me. But day in and day out I find myself manifesting scenarios that are so off from reality that I often find myself confused as to what is real and what isn't. I suppose by definition, I'm not insane. But what the fuck is going on then? 

As a little girl, your first love is always your dad. He's supposed to show you what a man is supposed to be and how a woman should be treated. I suppose this is what fucked me all up. I'm in a constant battle between my rationale and my emotions. I know that it's causing me to think the things I do, but I guess these are the only emotions I really manifest anymore - insecurity, uncertainty, resentment, paranoia. I'm content only when I'm not thinking about these things. It's really just a series of masking these emotions. I'm constantly trying to keep myself busy with school and work and whatever else I can do to fill my time, just so I'm not thinking about these things that completely tear me down. Maybe all this is a part of growing up and becoming an adult. And having to sort out all these feelings is supposed to be a learning process. Maybe everyone goes through something like this. Or maybe that's the very thought that I'm supposed to forget, the thought that led me to where I am today. 

Maybe the way I feel isn't something everybody experiences. Maybe people out there are living completely normal lives with balanced emotions. By definition, I'm certainly not insane. But there is clearly something different going on in my head. I suppose this could be a make it or break it point, and if I can grab ahold of what the fuck is going on in my head, maybe things won't be like this forever.