When I fall in love with someone I'm always under the impression that it's forever. I'm always chasing that Forever. And in doing so, I miss out on the happiness that occurs in the now. As I get older, this Forever, this idea of meeting the last person I'm ever going to be with, haunts me. After I graduated collge, moved into my own apartment, and found a stable, well paying job with benefits, I felt like all that was left for me to do was get married and start having kids. It took a lot for me to shake the pressure I was putting on myself to do this, but for a while I felt like I was really running out of time. Logically, I knew that it wasn't going to happen. And maybe that's why I stuck it out with my ex for so long in the end because I knew this time was approaching. Because we had been together for so long already, it was kind of expected that we got married and had kids soon. I was forcing myself to believe he was my Forever.

Being the walking contradiction that I am, this is something I've been torn about for years. But 25 has brought me so many beautiful moments that I allowed myself to enjoy with no regard as to whether it was going to be a part of my Forever. Does it scare the fuck out of me? It sure does. But I'm learning that being in the moment and enjoying what I have now is worth a thousand of the Forevers I've chased in the past. What I have now may or may not be my Forever, but worrying about what I don't know doesn't ensure it any more or less.

This is a habit that's going to be hard to break. Who doesn't want to be in love? But I'm learning that chasing it doesn't make it come any sooner and I may even just be chasing it away. 25 has blessed me with moments that have brought me so much happiness and just real contentment with myself and whether it's because of love or not, because I allowed myself to feel it Now, I've allowed it to be part of my Forever.