Along with the fresh perspective and new appreciation 25 has introduced into my life, it has also brought along an equal amount of tests. By far, the test I found the most difficult was the test of my independence. By the beginning of 25, my life had been flipped upside down. I was in a new apartment, looking for a new job, finished with school so I had more time on my hands than I knew what to do with, and what was most daunting was that I was doing all of this pretty much alone. I was forced to find comfort within myself. For the last 3 years I had gotten used to living with just 1 other person, and before that I lived with my entire family. I've never been this alone in my whole life. I was scared as shit. I'm only realizing now how scared I really was after the reality of my new living situation finally dawned on me. Being able to step back and see how much I had to grow out of my old ways to pass this test impresses me a little bit. I don't like to be too pleased with myself, but the way I relied on guys to provide me happiness and security was something else. At the core of both scenarios though - then and now - is the fact that I enjoy companionship. The difference now though is I'm not afraid to be alone. 

It's been 7 months that I've lived on my own now. And while there are still times when I get lonely, my little hole in the wall has become my sanctuary and I fill that need here. I can't believe how much comfort I've found in my apartment, and it's still surreal to imagine myself walking around and doing things for myself around my own little home. 

When I fall in love with someone I'm always under the impression that it's forever. I'm always chasing that Forever. And in doing so, I miss out on the happiness that occurs in the now. As I get older, this Forever, this idea of meeting the last person I'm ever going to be with, haunts me. After I graduated collge, moved into my own apartment, and found a stable, well paying job with benefits, I felt like all that was left for me to do was get married and start having kids. It took a lot for me to shake the pressure I was putting on myself to do this, but for a while I felt like I was really running out of time. Logically, I knew that it wasn't going to happen. And maybe that's why I stuck it out with my ex for so long in the end because I knew this time was approaching. Because we had been together for so long already, it was kind of expected that we got married and had kids soon. I was forcing myself to believe he was my Forever.

Being the walking contradiction that I am, this is something I've been torn about for years. But 25 has brought me so many beautiful moments that I allowed myself to enjoy with no regard as to whether it was going to be a part of my Forever. Does it scare the fuck out of me? It sure does. But I'm learning that being in the moment and enjoying what I have now is worth a thousand of the Forevers I've chased in the past. What I have now may or may not be my Forever, but worrying about what I don't know doesn't ensure it any more or less.

This is a habit that's going to be hard to break. Who doesn't want to be in love? But I'm learning that chasing it doesn't make it come any sooner and I may even just be chasing it away. 25 has blessed me with moments that have brought me so much happiness and just real contentment with myself and whether it's because of love or not, because I allowed myself to feel it Now, I've allowed it to be part of my Forever.

As I revamped my blog this evening, it was distracting to see my old posts. My life has moved on so far from that, and it made me wonder if I should even keep them up. Something I've learned about myself this year is that I am stuck amidst a constant battle between conflicting feelings. On one hand, I wanted to delete them because I'm done with that part of my life and what I posted only represented a fraction of what things really were. It was a poor representation of my reality at the time. But on the other hand, it was a representation of my mindset and although I feel and think differently now, that doesn't mean it never happened. In addition, I only know it was a poor representation because of how far back I can step from that part of my life and observe the things that went on from an outsiders perspective. So alas, I kept the posts up because I can't change the past - and if it never happened I wouldn't know what I know today.

Moving along, to reintroduce myself and my life to this blogging world I'm not going to delve into details of what's happened since my last posts. If you keep up with me, I'll fill you in as necessary. As for my current situation, and what's mostly prompted me to start this again, I'm in an in-between phase in my life. Where, over the years I've gotten my shit together but now I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm transitioning from a student to...I'm not even sure what? I guess I wanted to call the next role I'd play in my life "the working professional" but that just doesn't sound like me. Contradiction #2 for the evening Instead of being afraid or frustrated by this daunting phase, I've chosen to embrace it and appreciate everything I can learn in this time. Since my break up, I've developed this carefree, airy attitude about life. And I've recently been resting heavily on my belief that

Everything is best the way it happens.

Someone who has grown very dear to me over the years told me this and it immediately brought me peace. In that moment I felt like I understood life a little bit more. 

Another thing I've learned about myself is that I am an extremely sleepy person. Literally, even if I sleep in all day, by 9pm I'm ready for sleep again. Although, oddly enough, if I can urge myself to stay up late or all night even, I'm just as satisfied with that. Contradiction #3 There's something about the early morning that's enchanting and the aura during those hours romances me. It's not something I get to experience often and maybe because I haven't exhausted the novelty of it I'm still able to enjoy it. But as for tonight, I need to get some sleep because I work in the morning. 

Until next time. 

When you say mean things, pretending you didn't doesn't make them  go away. I wish I didn't forgive so quickly. I don't think it's worth it for your last possible interation with someone to be negative, but sometimes people need to realize that what they said was stupid and wrong. 

First blog in a while, and it was fueled by frustration, unfortunately. 

20/20

I try not to regret time not spent wisely. Who is to judge anyway? I've accepted the reality of our relationship - what's survived and what we're attempting to reconstruct. I think about you a lot, because I miss you and I want things to be different. But I've said it to you before, in the midst of my period of teenage angst, that things will never be the way they used to be. Thinking back now, I can't even remember why I was angry. I know what happened. But now, I have no emotions to spare for the last 10 years of our life. I remember periods of time where I wouldn't even look at you, and honestly it was because you did the same to me. You would look right through me. You made my heart so cold, and I feel like now I punish those that only try to love me. I just can't take it. I don't believe that it's real. The frozen region of my heart strictly governed by logic is not the only quality we share. You despised traits in me that you hated in yourself. My hard headedness, my will, my strength, my fear of being alone, my sweet tooth. That was only fuel to my fire. I hated that you hated the things that made us the same. I'm older now, still no emotions, but with the knowledge to accept that hindsight is always 20/20.

Moving forward, I hope to take advantage of the things we used to loathe. I suppose I'm only speaking from my perspective, but seeing that we're one in the same, I'm positive your feelings are in agreement.

Today I found out that my best friend throughout high school passed away. Today was her funeral. I was literally at a loss for words. Although immediately I was full of regret. To begin with, I don't deal with death well. It doesn't necessarily scare me, but it's just not something I can wrap my head around so I don't lend very much thought to it. I avoid talking about it by any means. The way I felt when I realized what I was reading (I found out on Instagram. I hate social media.) wasn't something I've ever experienced before. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever experienced death of anyone really close to me.

I regret not reaching out to her when I heard she wasn't doing well. I remember being afraid. I don't know why now. I don't regret not staying friends. We really just drifted apart. But I wish I could have let her know that I was concerned. You never think that something like this will happen to someone you know. At least I didn't. Maybe it's more of a reality to some people. She was such a good person. She was going to do something great in this world. I truly feel sorry for the people who didn't get to meet her.

Like I said, I don't deal with things like this well. I'm not going to write up a little eulogy praising her. I'm barely able to keep myself focused and composed long enough to write this much about it. Literally, I am sitting here squirming. I am so physically, emotionally, and mentally uncomfortable with all of this. I don't know if I want to talk about it or just keep to myself. This is all so new to me, and I hate not knowing.

World Domination

Working hard and educating myself are the most empowering things I've done in my life thus far. Gaining one accomplishment after another is by no means easy, but looking back at the struggle, and focusing on the outcome definitely makes every late night spent studying and extra shift taken at work much more gratifying.

I haven't had much time to blog lately, but my boyfriend is a good substitute and does well as my personal diary. The other day we finally got the rest of our home put together, cleaned, and ready for an visit/inspection by my mom. A halfway inebriated thought came to me as we finished our last few errands, and I said to him, "Today, we dominated the world." He responded with a high five in agreement and added, "We've been dominating the world for 3 years." Drunken thought or not, imagine how amazing that is to hear from your partner. We've gone through so many tough times in the 3 years we've been together, and through it all, we've prevailed. I'm trying to articulate my emotions in a more organized and sophisticated way but the expression that best describes how I've been feeling is simply FUCK YEAH! In the time that we've been together, not only has our relationship grown, but more importantly we've evolved as individuals and learned to strive as a couple - a power couple as I like to think of us from time to time. We've learned not to look at each other as crutch, but rather a never-ending support system that pushes each other to always be and do the best we can in anything and everything. 

Aside from sharing the world domination my boyfriend and I accomplished together, I wanted this post to empower others to do the same, especially by themselves. Money and other material objects are what the media wants us to strive for, but what I feel is more important is increasing your self worth. Making sure that if you lose your source of income, it will never be permanent because you value yourself and in turn other people will also. I believe that success begins from within. If you can increase your personal value by working hard at anything you do and continually educating yourself there is no end to the successes you can gain in life.

This is a big reason why I want to go into teaching. I didn't always feel this way about myself. I wasn't always this confidant and sure of what I'm doing and want to be doing with my life. But the more I learned, in school and through life experiences, the better I got to know myself. I would love to share this feeling with young minds like my own. I'd love for every person I encounter in my future in teaching to leave my class feeling a little bit better about themselves because they're doing something ultimately for no one else but themselves, and that this is going to separate them from anyone who isn't getting an education. With that said, I understand that an education isn't cheap, but nothing in life worth having is. Going to college isn't impossible, but it isn't easy either. I'm not going to school on any scholarships, I pay my tuition every semester with the help of financial aid that is available to anyone who works hard and earns it. My dad used to tell us that there are as many excuses as there are stars. Of course, I hated hearing this growing up, but I understand now. So instead of making excuses, I find a way to making things happen. 

I suppose this could be seen as a naive way of perceiving the world and how to navigate oneself through the hoops and jumps life throws our way. But it's worked for me, and I suppose that's all that really matters.            

P.S. 

Here is a picture of our kitten, Chuck. I took this as I was writing this post. He always likes to sit somewhere where he can see what I'm typing, just to make sure my typos are as a minimum. He's Mama's little proof-reader. Excuse my sappiness, this is technically the first life I've ever mothered.